I've been home bound. For a few reasons. Life keeps going and so do we. I've been staying home more because if I go out I spend money. Living on one income has hit us hard and I'm having a hard time adjusting. But God is continuously proving to me that we are where he wants us. He has provided for us in areas I never expected. We are always trying to decide if we should sell our house or not. It's been a huge stress on me. To move would mean a bit of a down grade. I'm okay with that. But is it the right thing? Today I had a wonderful lady come and visit. She prayed over me and prayed words from God. If we are to sell, she prayed that we would be approached by someone who wants to buy and we will get the price we need. It seems a bit impossible. However, we had someone approach us before out of the blue to purchase our house. And our God is great, so that is simple. A weight was lifted off me. I will continue to pray for this. If no one comes to us, we do not sell. Simple. Trust, not simple.
I've been staying home also because I'm dealing with grief still. I have been struggling with the death of my brother in law. I've been struggling with how to support my sister. It hurts me so bad to not know what to do for her. After meeting with my mentor, she suggested, and I agree; that I need to focus on healing and dealing with my own grief. Then when my sister does need me and she's ready for my help, I can 100% be there for her and not compromise my own health or mental state. Still I miss her. I miss my friend, I miss my sister, I miss the aunt to my kids. But the time will come when I can be there for her. Right now, my kids are to much for her, so it's just better I stay away. She has so much to deal with, the extra noise that comes with me is not helpful. So for now, I pray for her and the kids, check in with her and pray some more.
Another reason....potty training. I am done 2 days of potty training my little girly.
She is stubborn. But she is ready. She has no problem with the potty, does her business when ever I ask her. But I have to be sure to ask her. If I don't then like today, we have many accidents.
I waited until my little man was ready and asked for the potty. It took 2 days. This girl is gonna be a little harder. But I'm not going to waste the 2 days I've spent on this. I will keep at it. I have confidence it will kick in and things will be smooth sailing. It's just been a hard day with all the stresses.
Life goes on, and so do we. As much as we don't always want to.
I wanted to take my kids to the beach and the forecast was for another hot day. The kids love the sand and I wanted to show them all the baby crabs and other fun things to explore. So we planned a day for the family. I posted on facebook that we wanted to go to Crescent Beach but we didn't know how to get there. People suggested directions and alternate areas to check out. The night before we talked about it and decided maybe we shouldn't go. We have so much to do around our house and we could just go the local lake that has a nice sandy beach and it's 5 minutes away instead of 45 minutes away.
In the end we decided to go.
It was not easy to get there.
We decided to check out a place call 1000 steps first, we were told there were not a 1000 steps. So I thought maybe it was something to do with the rock face as to why it was called 1000 steps.
I was wrong.
There were steps, LOTS of steps.
We started down and passed a few people coming up, with red faces and short of breath. We turned around and went back up the 20 steps we had gone down. We both knew that the kids would go down no problem, but coming back up, that would be a problem.
I forgot to mention the fact that it was stinkin cold still at 11 am.
We buckled back up and headed to Cresent Beach. But we got lost. We saw beautiful property and houses. I finally got out my GPS and put in Cresent Beach. It came up with the Cresent Beach Bistro, close enough. However, the GPS navigated us thru all the small little back streets of White Rock to get us to Cresent Beach. We saw more beautiful property.
Finally we get there.
It's still cold.
My kids are freaked out of the crabs and running away.
Everyone is complaining they are cold.
We walked farther out onto the beach but we were just to cold and hungry.
At this point we were all cranky.
We got back into our truck and headed to a beach a at the other end of the road. It was much warmer there, less wind. We sat on the beach, had lunch and the kids had fun.
It was finally time to enjoy the beach.
The kids had so much fun.
I just love this picture of my little man.
My girly, she just loves to dig in the sand. She would be happy all day if we just let her dig away.
I just love it when my kidlets play nice together. Sometimes it doesn't seem to happen to often.
It makes my heart smile when they do.
After a rough start we enjoyed some time in the sand. But it wasn't going to last long. My little man was playing in a large hole that someone else dug. He jumped in and landed on his knees, directly on a large pointy piece of drift wood. He was in a fair amount of pain.
So we packed up, my little man in tears and headed out.
We decided to not use the GPS to navigate for us. I used the map on the GPS and found a direct route back rather then all the back roads our GPS seemed to think we wanted to explore.
The drive home, my little man cried almost the entire way. He stopped crying 10 minutes from our house, when he fell asleep.
It was a tough start, a great middle and tough ending.
My kids did have fun and at dinner time when we asked what their favorite part of the day was they both had great things to say about the beach time.
My partner in crime and I survived........this time at least.
Last week was a sucsess for me. At least in the fact that we didn't eat out once. This is huge for me. Not even a lunch or a coffee. Things changed up, but it was fine and I made the adjustments. Sunday was such a hot day here we just had popcorn and oranges for dinner.
No one was in much of a mood to eat so it went over well.
It should be cooling off a bit this week thankfully.
So I hope we can all function a bit better in the cooler weather.
It drives me crazy when my boy asks me the same question over and over. I get frustrated and angry. I gave my answer, but yet, he's not satisifed. I know he doesn't like the answer, it's not what he wanted. But he has to live with it. It's very rare if I change my mind after I've given an answer. Yet, he will ask and ask and ask. Resorting to tears of anger and frustration. Not understanding my answer when he clearly thinks he has the correct answer.
I feel like my son right now. I keep asking God why, I know full well I won't get the answer, not yet, Darren will not come back. Yet, each night as I lay down, the overwhelming feelings that I have been able to set a bit to the side of my day to day doing come back with a vengence. I cry tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of ultimate sadness that I have never had to experience before. Going to bed is not something I look forward to. My mind finally has nothing in front of it to occupy it, so my thoughts that have all day been lingering on the sadness of loss, no longer linger on the sidelines. They are the main event. The sadness takes center stage. Sleep it does not come easy and when sleep comes, the dreams come with it. Often they are centered around sadness or the accident.
I am constantly tired. I am emotionally drained. I am mostly sad. I am not even center stage to this event of death and grief, I am directly on the sidelines. My sister and kids are center stage. So if this is how I am feeling, my brain can not comprehend what they are feeling. My daily dealings are hard to manage, my sister I can see why things are how they are right now at her house.
I can't see the script, I don't know when the show ends. It will be a life long journey, this I know. I try to remind myself of the years we had with Darren, of the good. It's hard.
I have a picture of Darren on my fridge, yesterday when I looked at it, I had piercing anger. Anger I have never felt, it was instant and it was hot. Why did my sister have to go thru so many years of crap to achieve the goodness and then it's gone. I was so incredibly angry at Darren. I know my anger is not justified. He didn't choose to die. I can certainly see how God has things in place for my family to be able to step in for my sister in areas that needed. Not that, that makes me any less angry.
I try to live my daily life. I call my oldest sister to chat, and find out she is dealing with all the same things as I am. It's nice to know we can talk to each other, share grief. It doesn't make it easier, but it does let me know I'm normal for my feelings.
This is where we are right now. trying to live a life that is consumed by grief, sadness and looking for the joy and peace.
I don't know what I expected. But the grief is overwhelming at times. I don't grieve for Darren, in fact I'm very jealous of him, he's in Heaven rocking it with Jesus, no worries, no pain. We are left here to grieve what was and what will not be.
I grieve for my sister. The overwhelming sadness she faces as she tackles all the jobs Darren did. All the things you take for granted that your spouse does. The simple things like taking out the garbage and making sure the garbage cans get put back. Fixing the plugged garberator, somehow Darren could always get it unplugged and working with no problem.
I grieve for my sister, she is empty right now. I grieve for my relationship with her, I miss her. I miss the phone calls back and forth everyday, my house is so quiet now with out her calling. Most days I'm okay, but this weekend was extremely difficult for me. I wanted to spend it in bed crying. The grief was to much. I dreaded going to church. I didn't want to face the condolences. I appreciate that people are sad for us. But there are no words to say, there really isn't. This completely and totally sucks.
I can't explain how terrible it is for my sister to be without the love of her life, her husband, her best friend, the father to her kids. For the kids to be without their dad, there are no words.
My thoughts are consumed with my sister and family. My dreams are reruns of what I think happened at the accident. Each day my primary thoughts are of my sister and her family and what they are dealing with. My head feels like a fog. Trying to think of what to feed my kids at times is so difficult, trying to accomplish things around my own house at times seems insurmountable.
I'm so grateful for the friends who have dropped off meals, not just dinner, but things for breakfast also. It has been so helpful as at times my brain just really isn't working well. All this is from grief. I just didn't expect it to be like this. I spend a lot of time in prayer. I don't expect to understand the why's. I'm praying for peace and comfort. I'm praying for a clear mind, for a way to deal with the grief and sadness. I pray for strength for all of us. I pray for my sister and the kids. I pray thanksgiving for my husband. I thank God for the 20 years that we did have with Darren. I praise God for the changes and work he did in Darren to make him a better husband and father. Overall I pray that we all learn to live and function and to continue to love each other.
This blog my be all over the place. It may not make sense. It by no means is to elicit pity. It is to try to explain the grief.
The pictures are from Darren's funeral. His memorial table and each of his kids.
With all that we have going on. I need to get back to a menu plan. My days run together right now and my mind is in a fog it seems. So I had to sit down and make a simple plan. I expect it to change but at least I have a plan and don't have to think about what to cook, it's already thought of.